Happy

I have had a lovely week and il7imdillah I think things are finally coming together! There was no drama , no one was upset and we're all happy. I am used to my routine here and I'm loving the way my mum depends on me now...Today was hilarious..she and my dad got back late from the"chabra" and she came and sat to chat with us....Usually they would go upstairs and it was our job, the kids , to entertain ourselves with movies, games, whatever...lol she ordered me to shut my comp and focus fully on what they were saying.. Usually i am the chatterbox of the lot and my absence meant that there was a significant silence and lack of laughter :P ehhehehe so I shut the computer and chatted..after an hour lol i said that i needed to go to my room and sleep now..she said no...hehehehehe when were done...let's talk more!!!! hehehe i dont get it all i do is open my eyes wide at the jokes and laugh at what salfa she tells me !! It feel great to be appreciated tho. Ahhh...life is good

Hope

I resolved the issue with one of my close friends today. This proves, contrary to what my mum says that people can change :) I think the best piece of advice anyone's ever given me is that when your friends with someone or in a relationship and you see something you don't like ,,,DON'T GIVE UP ON THEM! Help them to change it and improve and be there for them... This has really changed my outlook and has helped me turn my life around.. Also I have discovered that being passive about most things gets you no where. IT may get you in a good place but maybe not the best place for you. I used to wear whatever perfume I got as a present wore whatever clothes i had around me and chose to hang out with friends that called me. I now make the effort to get to know people i find interesting...i choose my own clothes with my own signature scent and just enjoy life!! lol reading this it really sounds as though i was depressed.. I can't believe i never even noticed :P I used to accept whatever was handed to me and just dealt with it. Whether it was good or bad...I just went with the flow..Thats so not right. The last two months its been like pulling teeth...hard to get by with obstacles at every corner. Yet I'm loving the end re
sult.because I chose here. I am surrounded by products of my own choices and whether good or bad..Its me

Clarity

I feel like I'm finally settling in here. After a couple of months and a lot of drama Im finally beginning to get the hang of being a lady in society in kuwait....There's still some way to go..the art of looking perfect constantly and especially in all those "in"places. It is difficult to have to constantly focus on clothes and being stylish lol I am considering maybe getting a personal stylish I feel like it would be way easier...Having all this free time, though nerve racking in the beginning as I have always had my life planned and busy, has now become very important. I have started to re evaluate the friendships in my life...Why am I friends with these people? Do I actually like them or do they just happen to be there? No wonder I have always been so confused and alone!!! Its good to finally understand the reason why! We actually have nothing in common :( Now that I realise this Im feeling quite satisfied and happy. Though I have no friends in the country I am renewing my relationship with my family and making ties here.. It feels good to finally belong

Neglect

It is an amazing thing what neglect does to people..You know when you see those couples or in families you see people being nasty to one another. I always used to wonder why? Why were they being so mean? There is a reason for it. They have been hurt or neglected....As a group of girls we sit and we discuss things...what has happened and why and we analayse.. We feel soo much better and there is a sense that everything has been resolved and then you can get on with your life....It is very easy to turn into the worst version of yourself...and a horrible thing as well...a person without work and without friends can quickly feel like she is losing her worth and credibility as a person and will begin projecting those thoughts on to other people....it is a horrible thing and not a nice thing to see happen to yourself or other people..And yet what can you do to combat this? I wondered about those mean girls...mean girls however get far in life and get the things they want...i hope at some point in the future justice will be served and that some form of compensation will be given by the universe.....my actual post probably makes no sense to people and yet i feel like i am already relasing some negative thoughts out and away.Hopefully cleansing some inner part of myself and helping me to return to the pleasant person I used to be.

Victory

This week has been extremely interesting. Im feeling way better now lol...the last post was pretty tragic I think...I found out that I was being deceived by someone who I felt was really close to me...They felt they knew what was best for me and went behind my back to do something...its not the end result that bugs me its the deception..why can't you just say no? or say that you dont want to participate iand n this why the elaborate scheme with actors and everything? Is it that difficult to just really talk??Another thing that happened was that another person..this was my best friend has now decided that its best to take the silent harsh ignoring treatment to solve the problem and is now hiding behind other people because she cant talk right now...Sigh I expected more. On a positive not I am feeling soo strong and in control of my life. AFter the deception was discovered I marched up to the authorities in the deal and made it known that I had realised what was going on. Inside I was nervous and shaking. I had spent the whole night thinking up strategies on how to deal with it. should i hire a lawyer? Are there family connections I can use ? ? In the end I just used what I had going for me. Honesty and directness. I spoke to the manager..told him the truth about what happened and thank goodness everything was put right...The mistake sadly came from those who i though I had on my side. ANyhow it feels good to fight for what you want and believe in and in the end achieve your goals. This overshadows the betrayal...as for the best friend scenario...there is nothing i can do for now....she needs to realise that she has to stop trying to have control over everything and trying to control other people....accept ppl the way they are and if you cant just leave them alone. I did it though!!! I went in there and did it!!!I am so proud of myself.

Just be strong

Reading over the posts ive written, I realise that theyre quite sad. Im not usually a sad person....Im the one cracking jokes and cheering people up. this past month has been really difficult...worse and worse things keep happening and im wondering if it will ever stop. Im trying to keep calm and continue day by day trying to ignore the pain in my heart. I need to do something, I need to work, get busy, make it all go away/

!WHY WONT IT GO AWAY

The mojtama3 - our big bad policeman

a"a7na mojtama3na ma yaqbil hal shay" I keep getting told this again and again...the subjects of course range from adoption to the concept of learning how to drive a speedboat in a public place... My question is : who is this mojtama3? and what are his reasons for being so oppressive!!!! I actually believe that the whole concept of mojtama3 is personal to each of us. All of us individual kuwaitis are good people (well im hoping most of us) and to an extent we all believe in open mindness and the right to choose certain things in our life. If the couple next door wanted to adopt a baby i actually would be happy for them....so would everyone I know so why is it such a taboo thing to do? I think each of us has an idea of what is acceptable or not and we label the unacceptable thing "the mojtama3" opinion so as to stop us and people were close to from doing what we think is unnacceptable. Personally I dont think the mojtama3 would mind at all or even care to be honest with you. When dealing with individual people through work I have found that our mojtama3 is kind, thoughtful and very very emotional. So the big bad policeman is a myth. The only thing we are afraid of, is each other

Truth Hurts

People never get hurt when you lie to them (unless they find out you're lying of course) but telling someone the absolute truth seems to always hurt them more.. I really dont understand why. Is it because our mask of self-illusion is what keeps us going ?I personally prefer to know the hard facts so i can deal with whatever is going on. I am discovering though that a lot of people arent able to accept reality and i find this a very sad thing. Its kind of like the movie "the matrix" which pill do you want to take? See not knowing or living a lie is unbearable to me but now it is important to play the game and take whatever is dished to you and just keep doing what youre doing. For heaven's sake never point out the obvious...it seems to worry people. I've also realised that the people who are most loved are the ones who offer no opposition or opinion on anything. Note that your life will be smooth sailing as long as you accept everything and dont make any waves. The moment you stand up for something you believe in, the repercussions are so severe and quick its actually scary. Just say the word and see what happens :P

The latest

U know i started off this blog with very different intentions.. I kind of wanted to write and philosophise about a lot of obscure things..im realising that my real life is soo much more interesting. Cause in this respect Im the one who knows best.. Interesting events in the past week...the importance of the car and its image...I guess I should update you guys a bit more about myself... Abroad as a student you were considered as an individual entity...here you are an extension of someones legacy..how far do you go to keep being part of that legacy without completely losing yourself? The qualities that were important to me in any kind of friendship were passion and honesty and loyalty...thats it...I really couldnt care less whose daughter or son you are or what religion you are as long as you dont impose it on me...I have been advised recently to make sure I make the "right" kind of friends now that I am back home....you know good upperclass girls lol....I have been trying to explain that there needs to be a certain chemistry to be friends with people...a shared sense of humour...these artificial friendships are incredibly boring....and out of experience even those "society girls" as I like to call them like to be crazy and enjoy life and talk honestly about things.....whenever I go anywhere I am asked who i go with and there is always a taqyeem lol hmmm yes wilni3im or a7na man3arifhum :P I mean honestly! The most recent conversation was about what kind of car a lady of society should drive...theres this amazing black sporty car im in love with...This apparently is not ladylike for a lady of society. Perhaps I should drive a mercedes instead? with a more lady like colour? If a car in kuwait represents a persons personality perhaps I should choose something that represents me? I may be a lady in society but that is a small part of me..a very small part...I have to go now but my next pose will be to reply to your comments :) I do appreciate them and then i will write about other things in mind . Preferably giving them more thought and substance :)

?..Do liberals really exist

I was thinking about this yesterday amidst my frequent drifting off into lala land...If being liberal means that you give other people complete freedom to be themselves with no judgement of their actions and also applying the same rules for yourself then lol the only people I think are truly liberal are those people who are high! As humans we are born to judge and be critical of each other, I think that forms the whole basis of gossip and conversation. If so, then how come many of us adopt the label liberal without truly understanding what we are talking about? I recently overheard a conversation one of my sisters had with her friend....apparently there was a guy looking for a wife and he wanted her to be blonde and liberal...when i heard that i started laughing!! Of course you dont want liberal! not in this society you dont...cause liberal means she can be justified doing almost anything she wants and getting away with it....The same goes for men!! People go like yeah im kinda liberal you see and then they say such statements like they hate gay people . So how can you be a liberal then? I know a family who profess themselves to be amongst the biggest liberals in kuwait...the moment their kids showed an inclination towards any non-kuwaiti ppl and i mean this in the marriage sense they got locked in their rooms and not allowed to leave the house...Is this liberal? Hehhe I really think we should change the terms in our vocabulary.

A Blank Canvas

I've been away from kuwait for a long time. Coming back home has been a surreal experience..I feel as though I have been born again into my old life with the experiences of the recent one. Its strange. For the past couple of years i lived two lives and whilst it was a relief at times to be able to get away and be someone else...someone who could walk around in jeans and a tshirt and blend into anonymity , it was also painful to have to keep saying goodbye to my family again and again and again.. There was no point in forging any new relationships... I would never see these people again....or maintaining old ones as every time i go back i developed another aspect of my personality that they couldnt relate to. It is all the more painful that only for the past year have I truly found my best friends only to leave them and never see them again...Having developed an identity where I was comfortable with who I was and forged relationships with everyone in my environment I am yanked back into my childhood home where i am left to fend for myself amongst people who are familiar and at the same time far away and different to me. Though I am 23 years old I still feel like a child wandering around, clueless as to all these different protocols and traditions. In some aspects I think this actually helps as I can consider them with a fresh perspective and discard the ones that dont make any sense to me. Still it is slightly unsettling stumbling around....a blank canvas.

Cold

Cold, so very cold, dark, fear danger,ice. Where was I? I tried to open the narrow slits that enabled me to see but even with them open there was not much difference. My breath came out in ragged gasps. My whole body lay shivering and convulsing on the cold damp floor. Twitching lips, unable to scream. My brain, befuddled with the cold wasnt progressing in its usual train of thoughts. Thoughts eluded me. I tried to clutch at a memory, something to tell me what happened. How did I get here? I clutch at a though and it immediately slips away after a brief glimpse of which I can deduce nothing. My own mind was playing tricks against me. I wondered who'd win. Somehow it got get even darker and I wondered how I could tell when it was pitch dark before. I felt atiny pressure on my heart, just a nudge. I felt it again, a little harder this time. The temperature started dropping again. Colder and colder. The touch was now a punch. I couldnt move, couldnt scream, could only endure and for how long, I could not bear to think. A tingling sensation passed through me from the bottom of my toes up to my waist and I realised I could no longer feel the lower part of my body. This could not be hell. Hell was a world of fire, maidens of evil, swirling tendrils of posionous smoke would loom in the horizon and everywhere there would be screeches of torture, pain, agony and despair. It was worse here, too quiet, a deathly hush, dark, lifeless, the only thing changing was the temperature and that dropped lower and lower. The force now felt as if a sledgehammer was being pounded through my rib cage and suddenly CRACK! Reverbrating was the echo that sounded the area and amazingly I felt no pain, just a finality I could not express in terms of words. I felt miserable. This wasnt how it was supposed to end. Or rather where it was supposed to end. I stood up, and walked into the blanket of darkness that surrounded my vision . I kept on walking until suddenly a huge ball of glittering light appeared in the sky and I could see! In front of me was a shimmering pond.. I ran to it and glimpsed into the murky depths and saw my image on the surface. Two empty sockets glared unseeingly at me. No wonder I felt no pain. I was already dead

You

I don’t know what to say
I look at you
My heart begins to beat faster
My tongue sticks to the back of my throat
I open my mouth, waiting for the words to come out
Those words that come out so easily to everyone
That smile that comes so naturally to everyone.
Except you
Why you? I ask myself
Everyday
Every hour every minute
I’m never alone.
I used to write about you
Without knowing it was you I was writing about.
I used to dream of you
Except I didn’t know it was you I was dreaming about
I wanted you to leave me alone
I tried very hard to tell you I wanted you to leave me alone
Somehow along the line the message must have gotten mixed up
I’m so scared
Scared of you
Scared of me
Scared of us.
Stupid things I’ve done
That I am doing
That I will continue to do in the future
My heart tells me to tell you the truth
You stop me
Your face tells me to go on
Your voice says to keep going
Your head says NO!!!
Who will win?
I don’t know how much more of this I can take
Looking stupid
I’m tired of it
I cry all the time
Not knowing what to do.
God help me
You sure won’t.

I am sorry

The alarm clock shakes hysterically as i stick my hand out from my haven under the covers and slam it shut. I delve deeper and seek protection from another bitter cold day. I will have to face people today. Have to paste a smile on my face and joke with a merriness i do not feel and ask questions i do not really care to know the answer to. I will have to put on the mask people have come to expect, tie my hair up in a bun, put on the spectacles i need to see the things i cant see. I do not want to leave

My conscience begins to prick...your parents have paid, your country has paid everyone has paid. Now its your turn. Do what is expected, do not disappoint. Get out! Get out! I will disappoint, it is my fate. Because when i stop disappointing other people i will start to disappoint myself. The cycle will never end.

I walk down the street, just another figure that peeple glance at as they rush by. They see a small figure straining against the wind that is trying its best to blow her away. Her hair streaming out behind her escaping from the tight hold of the purple clip that she uses to tie it up. Her bag is soo heavy that it looks as though she is bowed down by the weight of it. Dressed all in black, there is no colour, her face even looks drained of colour, Her lips large, expressive, show a passion that is belied by the dead flat look in her eyes she walks ahead looking up at the sky .

I reach my destination, compose my face into contours that will be expected of me, Of course i am late. I am always late. I smile sheepishly with a shame i do not feel and rush in. So the day passes like any other day, where the only interest is in trying to get through it without doing something drastic. I wonder to myself if there is more to this? I never wanted to go to university. I was sick and tired of rules and so excaped my school to get to place where there were fewer rules. The rules were still there...
I can hear the words of my mother so well in my head. Its as if i know what she will say before she says it. You will find your freedom in your mind. There is no future in what you want. I didnt care about the future. My experience has always taught me never to expect never to plan, never to hope. I have never had stability in my life and so i avoid routine. I avoid repeated actions and continuity. I can never commit to anything and this troubles me. I could not see myself living like this all my life. Something would have to happen.