The alarm clock shakes hysterically as i stick my hand out from my haven under the covers and slam it shut. I delve deeper and seek protection from another bitter cold day. I will have to face people today. Have to paste a smile on my face and joke with a merriness i do not feel and ask questions i do not really care to know the answer to. I will have to put on the mask people have come to expect, tie my hair up in a bun, put on the spectacles i need to see the things i cant see. I do not want to leave
My conscience begins to prick...your parents have paid, your country has paid everyone has paid. Now its your turn. Do what is expected, do not disappoint. Get out! Get out! I will disappoint, it is my fate. Because when i stop disappointing other people i will start to disappoint myself. The cycle will never end.
I walk down the street, just another figure that peeple glance at as they rush by. They see a small figure straining against the wind that is trying its best to blow her away. Her hair streaming out behind her escaping from the tight hold of the purple clip that she uses to tie it up. Her bag is soo heavy that it looks as though she is bowed down by the weight of it. Dressed all in black, there is no colour, her face even looks drained of colour, Her lips large, expressive, show a passion that is belied by the dead flat look in her eyes she walks ahead looking up at the sky .
I reach my destination, compose my face into contours that will be expected of me, Of course i am late. I am always late. I smile sheepishly with a shame i do not feel and rush in. So the day passes like any other day, where the only interest is in trying to get through it without doing something drastic. I wonder to myself if there is more to this? I never wanted to go to university. I was sick and tired of rules and so excaped my school to get to place where there were fewer rules. The rules were still there...
I can hear the words of my mother so well in my head. Its as if i know what she will say before she says it. You will find your freedom in your mind. There is no future in what you want. I didnt care about the future. My experience has always taught me never to expect never to plan, never to hope. I have never had stability in my life and so i avoid routine. I avoid repeated actions and continuity. I can never commit to anything and this troubles me. I could not see myself living like this all my life. Something would have to happen.
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